If you grew up during the 80’s and 90’s, your idea of a midlife crisis might be going out and buying a fancy, fast sports car. It might look like a man marrying a younger woman, dressing in garish, silk shirts, and going out clubbing until 3AM with a bunch of 20-somethings. It might consist of a long string of poorly thought-out financial decisions all in the hopes of reinventing the self into a younger, cooler version.
I guess I’m around the age of midlife crisis. I’m not quite 40, but I’m close, way closer than I ever thought I’d be.
However, I’m not sure if the term midlife crisis could adequately describe what I’m up to, even though it is tied to a feeling of reinvention. My entire upbringing was like a crisis on steroids. I grew up and faced tidal waves of abuse, so much so that I had gray hair growing from my scalp at age 12. I had poor emotional regulation, never felt safe, and was never given emotional support.
Also, shadows and echoes from my past still linger. I never had good hand-eye coordination or balance. I was forbidden from playing sports as a child, despite repeated begging. My parents were cool with buying me a new toy or leaving me to my own devices for days on end, but they weren’t down with letting me participate in the physical or social activities I was drawn to. I was that kid in gym class who was always last in races, couldn’t do a cartwheel, and couldn’t even bounce a ball against a wall correctly. I was afraid of getting hurt. When I was injured at home, I was punished or simply ignored.
Don’t know what I mean? Here’s a story from my youth that perfectly sums up the approach my family took to my injuries.
I badly twisted my ankle when I was 12 (back when I was growing those gray hairs!) and it was either sprained or broken. It hurt so badly, I hobbled. Of course, my father said I was faking it.
Now, I know most 12 year olds can’t walk on a broken ankle, but I wasn’t most 12 year olds. I had really bad depression from the abuse and emotional neglect at the time. I was in constant emotional pain, which led to a higher physical pain tolerance. Another example of this was my ability to burn myself with cigarettes at age 19 and barely feel it. For anyone wondering, I’m much better now.
On the first day of that vacation, I had severely messed up my ankle and neither my father nor stepmother gave a care in the world. When I got home from spending a week being bullied, harassed, and neglected by them, my ankle was twice the size it was normally and my skin had turned deep purple.
I tried to hide it from my mother, but she instantly snapped at me for limping. Then she ripped my shoe off and peeled off the socks. I was wearing multiple pairs on the one foot, trying to cushion the pain.
My mother thought I colored myself with permanent marker for attention and tried to rub it clean. I screamed and she realized I was seriously hurt.
No, she didn’t take me to the doctor or hospital either. No, she was just annoyed I was hurt, but at least she acknowledged it. Yes, it was normal that anytime I was injured around her, she took it as a personal offense.
Back to when I injured the ankle in the first place, I was on a vacation with my father and stepfamily. We were in the mountains of North Carolina at a dude ranch. It was awful.
No one told me the itinerary and they woke me up at 8AM the morning after it happened because we were going to hike a mountain that day. I remember sitting in the car, driving to the parking lot with this huge, sinking stone in my stomach. It hurt so bad, just sitting in the car.
But no, we started hiking. Again, much like gym class, I was last, very last. Keeping as much weight off my right ankle as possible, I walked my way up and down that trail, while my stepsister jogged the whole thing, with her brother trailing behind her, and whilst my father and his wife hiked together. I was late to the lunch spot and once I made it to the top, turned around, leaving my father and his wife up there to make out undisturbed.
At one point on the way down, I was in agony. Electric jolts of pain shot through my entire body. Silent tears streamed down my face. I began truly one-foot hopping my way down the trail and my water bottle shot out of my ugly overalls.
I was so upset. Wouldn’t anyone be upset? The entire time I was treated like a liar, I was left to walk on the trail entirely by myself, and the stepfamily was up to their usual meanness since the trip had begun. I didn’t pick up the water bottle. Any extra movement was too painful.
Of course, my father and his second wife were behind me on the trail, since I turned around basically the moment I made it to the lookout platform at the top. My father found the water bottle and when we were all back at the car, he yelled at me in front of the entire parking lot about my disrespect for the environment.
This is a man who threw garbage out his car window during my entire childhood, but okay.
Also on this trip, my stepbrother got angry with me and strangled me in front of a bunch of people and my father again yelled at me for starting the argument. I still remember the fire I felt with my throbbing ankle and his hands on my throat, as I picked his fingers off one by one and pulled his index finger backwards. I could have killed him in that moment and felt nothing. His and his family’s bullying and physical attacks had worn me down to nothingness.
My father was drinking Merlot with his wife on a picnic blanket nearby. Instead of saying anything to the physically abusive stepbrother, as I mentioned previously, I was loudly berated instead.
So, although those were two of the worst experiences I had with getting injured and then being punished for being injured, no wonder I was such a chicken in gym class. No wonder my midlife crisis or midlife crisis adjacent wouldn’t be a fancy new car, lip filler, or trying to date a 22 year old man-boy.
No, I’m trying to learn how to ride a unicycle. Why? We had bicycle and unicycle unit in my gym class. I was horrible, but I’m picking up where I left off. Also, there are times when my uncoordinated butt rides a skateboard through my kitchen to practice. One day, I’ll be brave enough to ride on the street. Maybe.
So, enjoy your midlife crises, whatever they may be. Know that you can’t change the painful experiences of your past, but know you can treat yourself better than other people treated you. If there’s unfinished business in your life, like a unicycle, you can finish it if it will give you happiness. You can also cut contact with anyone who abused you or treated you like garbage, in fact, it makes a great first step into freeing yourself.
It was my childhood, teen, and early 20's dream to become a published poet. For years, I submitted to the Boa Editions LTD annual chapbook competition, but my loose style with grumpy, angst-ridden themes wasn't for them.
Luckily for me, we've catapulted into the 21st century and everyone becomes their own publisher, whether it be writing, art, or music.
And since focus has never been my strong suit, I publish online art, writing, and now music. The first song I've helped co-write is nearly a completed demo, and we aren't stopping at simply one. In addition to the music we write, my volunteer hours are spent creating playlists and shows on RadioStPete.com, and sometimes helping out live on my favorite show, Florida Folk Show with Pete Gallagher.
With my silly schedule, being a woman who's busy as heck, a full-time job on top of all: my writing, my bubbly nonsensical commercial art, and music-related projects, it completely slipped my mind that I released two poetry collections... sometime within the 21st Century.
Find my latest collection of poetry, The Yelling, here
I mean, they're pretty okay. I went to school for English, creative writing, and psychology; I've continued to work on writing, despite my ego's protests.
Been trying to turn my personal horror stories into funny stories, because when I look back at them now, I see them for what they are. They aren't Earth-shattering moments, but rather moments in time where other people were entitled or abusive jerks, due to their own, personal issues.
I also try to help readers by including some of the weary wisdom I've picked up from all my years of dealing with people who don't have good intentions.
I was in my early 20’s, working retail as a sales lead in a clothing store. I was on my way to the top!
A woman, no taller than 60 inches, approached my register. She had short hair, like teenage boy short, and it was all one uniform shade of tree bark brown. She wore a tight-fitting tee shirt and jeans with elastic in them, over a stout and somewhat oval frame. Behind her glasses she wore a frown in her eyes.
I greeted her with a warm, polite smile, but behind my own eyes was a tired, weary brain in which my sense of self was pliable and flimsy.
“Did you find everything you were looking for today?”
I removed a pair of slacks from their hanger and removed a shirt from one as well. Carefully, I folded her outfit, preserving the crease of her pant legs and leaving the tags visible, so I could quickly scan her items in one swoop.
“We’re running a 30% off sale on our jewelry this week,” I said, out of sheer habit. I smiled at her again.
Her face remained stuck, as if her lips were somehow constipated.
She said nothing. Then, her eyes shot down to the gift cards in front of the register. We had a bright display full of loose, plastic gift cards of all colors and patterns, that people sometimes bought to give to their loved ones.
With one hand, she selected one. I can still see it in my mind’s eye; the design on the front resembled a package wrapped in a green bow, with our store’s name in bold, capital letters across the front of it.
Now listen, what you’re about to read is the start of a small series of events that composed a true story that haunted me for years. There are several reasons why this story was a wound for so long, but mostly it’s because it involves gaslighting, the psychological torment of retail work, and the convoluted nature of American businesses. Thankfully, I guess, the store is no longer in business, but I’m sure it wasn’t the only one to operate in this fashion.
The woman grabbed the gift card from the hundred or so others on the counter in front of her that clearly were new, not loaded with any money, and wouldn’t be activated until they were purchased by people putting money on them.
Clearly, it was empty.
She handed me the gift card after I told her the total of her outfit.
I asked, “how much would you like on this?”
“The full amount.”
“Oh, you can put whatever amount you want on them,” I said, confused.
At this point, I still thought she was trying to buy the gift card.
“No, I’ll pay with it,” she said, rather forcefully.
I looked at her, feeling even more confused and my heart rate rising.
My memory gets a little hazy on the following details, but basically, she tried to pay for her items with the blank gift card. I asked her if she had another gift card with her, as in, her wallet. She never once opened her wallet or purse during this exchange, but I thought maybe her circuits got crossed and she saw the gift card in front of her, making her think, for some reason, it was one she already had. We all have brain farts every once in a while, and on more than one occasion, I’ve found my own competency in public lacking.
Entertaining her delusion, I tried scanning the card for payment, but it came up on the computerized register as “inactive.” No matter what I did, she got more and more hostile. My attempts at mitigation were fruitless. Her emotions became volatile, and she was caught between anger and crying. She didn’t calm down. She rattled off a disjointed story about doing a purchase on a Discover card and then getting her return on a gift card.
Her account was already pulled up in the transaction. I opened her transaction history, and asked her when the return was done.
“Some six, seven months ago!” she spat.
My limbs were shaking at this point, as her outburst was attracting attention from customers within and outside the store. My manager was gone for the night, and I was working with a part-timer.
“I’m sorry, but there’s no returns under your account from any time in the last year. It looks like you have one from two years ago, but I can see that it was refunded on a VISA card.”
Her face got flaming, cherry red. Her mouth opened wide and her hands waved circles around her body. Fingers flew, feet stomped, and she threatened to call corporate. Her words turned nasty. She insulted me with quick jabs at my character and ability to do my god-awful job.
At that, I got a bit defensive and didn’t budge. I checked for duplicate accounts under her name, but nothing came up. She refused to check her purse for another gift card and she refused to pay any other way. I didn’t have the capacity to calm her down from this ledge, and I let her get to me, as I felt tears of frustration roll down my cheeks.
In the corner of her mouth, I saw the smallest inch of a grin.
She stormed out.
I knew that wouldn’t be the end of it.
A few days later, I got a scathing email from the district manager. My boss had a serious sit down with me and I was written up. My stellar record was smudged.
My anger grew. On a lunch break the same day I was written up, there was no one in the manager’s office, so I logged in, and emailed the finance/auditing department.
I took a diplomatic approach, and explained the situation, in which I was just trying to resolve this for the customer and I included within my intent, to hopefully prevent any situations like this in the future. The reason I did this, was because if the customer had a return matching her description on her account, I could have mitigated the entire thing by just using the gift card number in her file. I could have smoothed this whole situation over without shattering her weird delusion.
The other reason I reached out was because the witch was lying. Clear as day, I saw her grab that card from the empties in front of her. I didn’t know if she was just a brazen manipulator, if she simply didn’t think I was looking, or if her brain genuinely went defunct in that moment. I knew was I was right, but due to the customer’s tantrum and accusations, my two bosses wouldn’t believe the truth.
In her statements to corporate, the customer made me out to be the aggressor and her to be the victim, leaving out the detail of her snatching the gift card up from where she did, as well as not mentioning all the chides she hurled my way. I was beyond upset and inconsolable about the entire situation, feeling myself fall into a deep low point. My mother had done this sort of song and dance my entire life, being nasty to my face, and then running to the entire family, making me out to be some kind of monster. I didn’t have the foundation of self-respect and esteem yet, I was still quite young, and freshly hurt from eighteen years of abuse and neglect, that no one, not even my closest family, believed.
So, whether I realized it or not, I had made the instigation with that customer my hill to die on. I was convinced I could clear my name.
I heard back from the auditors a few days later, after they checked and rechecked records. What I thought would be my vindication had arrived, evidence of no gift card issued to this customer ever.
I forwarded their findings to the district manager, thinking this would get me off the hook.
Not long after, I got written up for emailing him. Apparently, I didn’t respect the “chain of command,” and by emailing him and the auditors, I got them both in trouble with the regional manager.
So it was, of course, all my fault.
And the witchy customer from my nightmares? The district manager issued her a brand new, unused $60 gift card.
Luckily for me, she didn’t come back in the store when I was working.
I kept my job, but was getting worse and worse at making anyone happy. I didn’t learn my lesson until much later, that I should have left it all alone after I got written up the first time. Nor did I realize until even later, that I should have played along with just how stupid that customer thought I was in the first place. Complying with her expectations would have appeased her tiny, rat-like soul, and avoided the entire second half of our interactions.
The 80% Challenge continues... as I posted another blog post I'm only 80% happy with on Medium.
I think I could have said things better and quoted other thinkers. Instead, I really just quote myself. I also have some extra words I could probably gotten rid of in a third round of edits, but as I reached 80% happiness, I posted it anyway. Here it is below and on the sidebar:
Why do People Fall for Romance Scams?
I have a confession. I fell for Squirmels,
aka Snoots, aka the Magic Twisty Worm, aka the prank gift that looks
like a furry worm moving on its own. I was in a toy store in Orlando,
down to my last few dollars, and just looking around while life passed
me by. A video on a small television within the display showed a montage
of silly scenes with Snoots seemingly to move without provocation. I
was mystified. There was no way I could conceive how it worked.
I
bought the stupid thing and was severely disappointed on how obvious
the shiny fishing line attached to the nose was in person, compared to
how invisible it had been on the recording. I was in my early twenties,
my life had fallen apart several times by this point, I was living with
an abuser, and I was under tremendous stress trying to dig myself out of
what seemed like an impossible, financial hole.
The
stupidity I felt in that moment was gargantuan. On the one hand, I knew
it was a trick, but on the other, a big part of my dopamine-starved
brain screamed “WOW,” and I had become instantly infatuated with the
object. It was a very cheap waste of money, but I had such little money
at the time, that it was a significant portion of my bank account.
I
felt conned and part of me knew it was a con the whole time. However,
the human part of me was no longer in control, while a desperate part
took over in that moment. Was it my inner chimp? Was it part of me trying to find hope in a completely desperate situation?
The
next day, my boyfriend at the time stole my car, stayed out all night,
and cheated on me. This was a man who had begged for me to take him
back, and I held firm, until he wore me down. He was just using me
though, but my brain had sparkled “WOW.” As I let him back in, I thought
we were finally going to work out. Part of me must have known I was
being conned, right?
I
think it’s everyone’s dream at one point or another to find a good
person and build a life with that person. No one is perfect and people
let us down. The bigger your heart seems to be, the more vulnerable you
are to being scammed one way or another. I was paying his bills, paying
for his food although I was barely eating, and living with him, when he
stole my car to be with another woman. I was also willing to be physical
with him, but I guess I just didn’t do it for him anymore. He already
got me, so it was time for him to seek someone else. I was his meal
ticket, nothing more.
This
happened many years ago and I could chalk it up to being young and
dumb, but I think it’s more accurate to blame feelings of loneliness,
desperation, and economic hardship.
Over the past few years, I watched several Dr. Phil episodes on romance scams and Social Catfish’s YouTube videos on the same types of scams. Within the videos,
the person being scammed is always in some stage of denial. I’m sure
some part of their brain knows they’re being conned, but another part is
just saying “WOW,” and taking control. Within the comments of these
videos, viewers write the same things, some version of: “I could never
imagine this happening to me!”
Well,
maybe have a little more imagination. The minute we think we couldn’t
fall for a scam, is the minute we lose sight of our own blind spots.
When struggling, anyone can become a different person, make bad
decisions, act out, or become vulnerable to predatory people.
I
was vulnerable after a bad breakup, which is why I let my guard down
and got back together with the jerk mentioned above. Innocent people in
these Dr. Phil and Social Catfish videos also vulnerable, but hadn’t
realized it when they started being conned.
At
one point, I had vowed to never let that man back into my life, but he
wore me down with his words, which is how I ended up in Orlando in the
first place. He never paid me back for anything he promised to, nor did
he keep any promise really. I was at war with myself, believing him even
though I should have known better.
The victims of these romance scams
are also in a tug of war when they interact with their online
predators. How many times has any one of them told the scammer it would
be the last time they sent money or a gift card? How many times has that
scammer worn their victims down? Begged them? Guilt tripped them?
Manipulated them?
In
life, we have to take a cold, hard look at ourselves and face the
objective truth, or as much of it as we can see. We can’t do that just
once, no, we must do it over and over. It’s painful. We won’t always
like what reflects back. I have mentally revisited times where I’ve
acted completely out of line, but despite regrets, I was still
responsible for my own actions and those actions were disgusting. Other
times, I’ve been abused and stayed. I’ve made poor decisions with money.
I’ve convinced myself that liars weren’t lying.
Nothing
about this is easy. Facing ourselves is what we should do instead of
seeking comfort online or with predatory partners. Participating in
these romance scams, for the victim, is akin to an avoidance behavior,
much like staying in an abusive relationship or hostile work
environment, as opposed to facing the true causes of our psychological
stressors. We avoid underlying issues causing us to be lonely and feel
unfulfilled. It’s easy to send someone money online, but hard to
interact with people in person. As we know, people let us down. It feels
safer to be hurt in our own homes. It’s easier to donate our money
instead of our time.
According to the FBI’s 2020 Internet Crime Report, in one year alone, 23,000 citizens reported being victims of romance scams
and confidence frauds, aka cons, losing a combined $600 million. I
wonder how many went unreported? I wonder how many people are still
sending money overseas, believing the lies of these scammers? I wonder
how many people still can’t see the string attached to the nose of toy?
If
there’s anything I can leave you with, know that taking care of
yourself first and foremost must always be your priority. If you haven’t
had an honest look at yourself lately, then it’s time. If you have
taken a good, hard look at yourself recently, it’s still time. We must
never lose sight of who we are and what we’re really dealing with in
this world.
We
all face challenges and it’s no wonder our oldest population is at the
highest risk of internet theft and fraud. In 2020, the FBI reported
over 100,000 victims of internet crime age 60 and over, losing a
combined $966 million. It makes sense, as it’s much easier to fall for
schemes, rather than deal with retirement, aging, the loss of a loved
one or partner, or lack of fulfillment in life.
Frauds
are easy, life is hard. You don’t have to deal with your own life, if
you wrap yourself up in some fairy tale a scammer has constructed for
you.
I'm only 80% on this new blog post as well. What I would have liked to see, to make this something I was 100% happy with, would be more quotes and maybe referencing one of the many self-help books I've read that helped me come to terms with our lack of relationship, such as this one here.
Actually, you know what, I just added a link to that book at the end of the Medium post. Hooray. I still think it would improve my work if I had some quotes from the book in there, but that 20% difference wasn't part of the challenge. The challenge was to post something only when I'm 80% happy with it, so here it is below.
This is also available on the side bar in the Medium section of the menu.
I
always wanted a good relationship with my mother, but it’s always been
strained. Anyone who’s been snubbed by their own mother will only
naturally want to have that missing mother-daughter relationship in
their life. It ties back to a deep biological need. It relates to safety
and feelings of self-worth.
When
I was little, she looked to me like this gorgeous goddess, one who was
always too far out of reach. She didn’t want to spend time with me, and I
felt burdensome, even from the youngest age. She was slim, tan, and
sassy. It seemed like she was good at everything, and like I paled in
comparison. It felt like I was playing catch up, trying to keep up with
her talent and beauty, even though I was just a child. This didn’t feel
natural, but I always held out hope that one day I would earn a place in
her heart.
I had this big hole
where our relationship was supposed to be, so naturally, even as I aged
and began to see her as human, just like everyone else more or less, I
still did things out of the hope that we would one day be close.
Despite my efforts to please her, every year we grew more adversarial.
In
my 20’s, I felt a renewed hope that our relationship would turn a
corner and that we could form a healthy adult-child and parent
relationship. This was catalyzed by a single event, one that ultimately
let me down and confused me in the moment. This memory left a smear of
bewilderment and disappointment on my brain for years.
I
must also mention that she was very abusive when I was a child and
teen, but I have always been willing to put the past behind us, if we
could move forward in a healthy way. The blame wasn’t entirely her own,
as she lived through tremendous pain in her own upbringing in an abusive
home, and the stress of her adult life was gargantuan. She couldn’t
cope with her past or deal with the challenges of adult life without
extreme emotional turmoil. Being a mom on top of what she was going
through internally seemed like the worst thing for her.
After
the economic crash of 2008 and a bad breakup, I found myself back in
Maryland. It wasn’t a planned homecoming and I was, in many ways, more
broken than I had been before. I had been through so much: graduating
with my bachelor’s degree while also working full-time hours, then
struggling to get a decent job with that degree, and finally, the
heartache of betrayal within my failed romance. My heavy heart ran all
the way home, even though there wasn’t much for me to go back to. The
entire state felt unwelcoming, but I was going to give it a shot, and
try for a fresh start.
We didn’t
really get along when I got back. I offered to do things for her around
her home, with my retail smile and responsible adult attitude. I put
forth my best efforts to encourage a fresh beginning, for myself, and
for us as a family. She acted hostile, as if I was the same lazy
teenager she knew from several years before. I wasn’t. I tried to win
her over, from a much cooler head and a place of maturity. She didn’t
bite, and we failed to communicate or have many pleasant interactions.
So, I was a little shocked when my mother invited me to join her at Artscape,
Baltimore’s giant festival of the arts, and an event that I had begged
her to go to during my elementary and middle school years. Nevertheless,
I decided to go with her, thinking she was trying to help me heal my
sad heart.
I didn’t know it at the time, but I couldn’t have been more incorrect about her intentions.
We
boarded the Light Rail in Hunt Valley early that morning. The ride was
quiet at first. We spoke little, and it was awkward sitting next to her,
as she always put me on edge. She was unpredictable, as the smallest
perceived slight could make her explode in rage. Whenever I was around
her, I monitored myself heavily, always mitigating my own emotions and
tuning into hers instead. She sat stiffly, and continuously scanned the
train car.
I read a book, as I
often did, and with one eye, watched the train slowly fill with people
from stop to stop, as we made our way south.
Finally,
we reached our destination. The closed streets were lined with vendors
in white tents and food trucks. Crowds of people meandered under the
morning sun, while music and excitement were heard from all corners. It
was a hot morning, and with the familiar buildings of Baltimore
surrounding us, it felt like Charm City was alive and thriving. We
stepped into the sunlight and merged into the masses.
“This is where they film Ace of Cakes,” she said proudly, as we passed a brick building.
“Oh, are they open?” I asked.
“No.”
At that moment, I thought I cracked it. I hadn’t heard of Ace of Cakes
until earlier that month, when I saw her watching an episode in her
living room. She told me the show had inspired her to take up cake
decorating with fondant.
I
figured that was it, we had made the journey so she could meet her new
hero or at least see him in the flesh, but we never saw Mr. Cake Ace, at
least not that I was aware.
We
wandered from tent to tent, looking at all sorts of different arts and
crafts for sale. It reminded me of a similar, giant crafts fair in
Lancaster, PA, one that I had attended with a friend in high school,
only five or six years earlier.
My
mother acted as she always did. Her sentences were short and her words
were curt, but she wasn’t entering any extreme highs or lows, so I let
myself relax a little.
This
experience was one of the only times we had done something together as
mother-daughter in nearly a decade, and one of the first times we had
done anything since I was a full-fledged adult. I side-eyed her and
found she was basically the same. I could tell she was putting on a
brave face in the sea of people, yet she still grabbed her purse with
both hands when we found ourselves entangled in a dense part of the
crowd. It was customary for her face to be puckered into a frown, and
this day was no different. As long as I could remember, she always looks
slightly disgusted, like she smelled sour milk.
Imagine,
if you will, my utter shock, when she transformed before my eyes from
the frowning, stiff-armed woman, into something completely opposite and
out of character.
We found
ourselves near the waterfront. Target in sight, she bunny hopped away
from me without a word. She moved like some kind of mystical elf, hips
swaying and neck forward, towards one of the larger tents. I watched
from behind her, in bewilderment. Her face somersaulted into a smile,
and her limbs became animated, rubbery, even. She had gone from
reserved, stern, and sensitive, to happy, delightful, and dare I say,
teenage-like.
My eyelids must
have recoiled into my skull, while my head contorted to the side,
resting at a cool 90 degrees. A cartoonish, “huh?” escaped my mouth
without me even knowing. My lips opened into the shape of a train
whistle, and I lingered like a deer, ready to bolt, but my legs rooted
in place. I couldn’t help but watch in complete and outright confusion.
“Hi guys!” she said, in her most feminine of voices.
She galloped into the booth and wiggled behind the display table.
I
was maybe eight feet away. I could see her chattering, her arms making
large, round circles in the air, and her gleaming smile, but I couldn’t
make out most of what she was saying, other than a few words that came
out louder than others.
I closed the gap by two additional feet, but that was it.
Surely, she would introduce me, I mused.
One
person behind the table stood out from the rest. He was a handsome man
in his 20’s, with shaggy hair held under a baseball cap, arms full of
tattoos, and noticeably large biceps.
My
mother went on and on to this young man, who was around my age at the
time, and he didn’t get many words in, nor did anyone else behind the
table.
After another few minutes,
with me watching her speak enthusiastically to these vendors, she bid
them goodbye, and continued away from the tent and back the way we came.
“I know them,” she said, smugly.
“Who?” was all I could ask.
“We do stained glass.”
She
gave a brief summary of the lives of the people to whom she was just
speaking, not hiding the fact she was gushing over the one who was my
age.
I said something to the tune of, “Oh, he sounds great.”
He
was quite handsome, but I never thought my own mother could be hitting
on someone over twenty years her junior, especially considering she had
just married her boyfriend the year before. For the briefest second, I
thought maybe she was trying to set me up with this age-appropriate
person. Maybe she was feeling bad that the end of my relationship had
left me in such turmoil. Maybe she was trying to do something nice?
No,
the look on her face was the only confirmation I needed. She hadn’t
thought of my situation with any compassion or empathy; she probably
hadn’t thought of it at all, other than being annoyed that I was back.
She glared at me and then rolled her eyes. Then, she muttered something
nasty about my appearance and intelligence, her voice so low in tone,
that I couldn’t understand all of it.
Heck,
she couldn’t even be bothered to introduce me to any of her friends
behind that table whatsoever. It was pretty rude, but at the time, my
thoughts were too jumbled to even get that far. She had morphed back
just as quickly to the mother I knew, back into the woman who was always
unhappy and uncomfortable.
It
hit me some ten years later, that the only reason she dragged my butt
down there in the first place, was to brag. Something compelled her to
show off she was hanging out with an attractive, successful 20-something
artist, and his family.
Even
though she birthed me, my mother treated me, at best, like an unwanted
little sister, among other things. Her and my aunt, her own sister, were
in constant rivalry. Her envy knew no bounds; her competitive nature
was the frame of my entire childhood. I could do nothing without her
learning to do it and do it better than me. If I wanted to get better at
something, like drawing or computers, she would throw herself into it
too, and then show off her new skills to anyone who’d pay attention,
like my father, the neighbor, her friends from the college she attended
when I was in elementary school, or her new husband.
I
had gone into the day with optimism, and almost as a responsibility to
look out for her in the big city, one that had scared her so much when I
was a child. I thought we were really turning a corner and I had
finally won her respect. I thought she was finally starting to see me
differently. I felt she had considered the hardships I had been through,
the obstacles I overcame in my rocky launch into adulthood, and saw me
as someone she would like to be around.
No, she just wanted to brag.
We
can go our entire lives and play out the same patterns, over and over
again, but with different people. We can tell the same stories on
repeat, and we can see little change in our own lives.
I
don’t want to live like my mother. Without having her love and support,
I’ve had a hard time emotionally. With the abuse she doled onto me, I
have a foundation of negativity and self-loathing. I hated myself for
years because it was beyond her capacity to treat me like someone she
valued. I twisted myself in knots, just trying to earn her love, and
attempting to receive the tiniest bit of praise or positive attention. I
had meltdowns on a regular basis, from the exhaustion of walking on
eggshells constantly, trying not to upset her further, as she was
already so miserable, and as my existence only made things worse in her
eyes.
Even now, she still uses me
as the scapegoat in her personal story. I’m the be-all-end-all
apocalypse she turns to, the one she points the finger at, and the
no-good arbiter of her bad luck. I show up in her stories whenever she
needs to vent out whatever injustice the world has given her on a single
day, though we haven’t spoken in years.
I refuse to be like this, although it’s been an uphill, endless battle.
There
are many times I’ve slipped. I’ve been overwhelmed and shouted at
someone, I’ve lied and gaslighted without meaning to, and I’ve ran for
the hills from people who probably didn’t mean the harm they inflicted. I
cowered from her when I was a child. When I was grown, I let others
into my life who put their hands on me, and I cowered from those too,
until I was able to make yet another escape.
Every
day I have a choice to be better, to act better, and to never be
envious or in competition with people over frivolous, surface-level
nonsense. I give others the benefit of the doubt, and with an open,
loving heart, I’ve still been sucked into worlds of negativity and pain.
I end these relationships, after trying to save them one time too many,
but I do end them.
My mother and
I will never be close. I will never have her respect, just as she will
never have her own mother’s respect. The difference is, she’s still
after her own mother’s approval, but I’ve flushed the whole notion of
getting hers from my reality. Though it may not be entirely impossible,
earning her love is a goal I refuse to seek any longer.
I
will always love her and be grateful for her, as she is one of the most
fascinating people I’ve ever known. She’s a combination of puzzle
pieces that will never fit together. She’s so cruel to most people she
meets in everyday life, but she’s completely unaware of the hurt she
inflicts on others. She complains constantly about people around her
being oblivious, not conscientious, and entitled, yet she herself is
noticeably rude.
She and her
mother, my grandmother, both act the same in conversations. They sit
quietly, waiting for their turn to speak, without having listened to a
single word the other person has said.
Of
course, I hope she grows. Her own childhood was awful, and no one
deserves what she went through. She, like all of us, has a choice on how
she will act in every moment. I wasn’t able to be what she needed, nor
was she able to be what I needed, but that’s in the past now. The Artscape
interaction, and the many other confusing interactions we had, are but
symptoms of self-hate and a life ruled by jealousy and envy. If she
could zoom out from her life, forget about all the negative experiences
she’s been through, and look with fresh eyes, I wonder what she’d see.
On 2/11/23, my mentor challenged me to publish when I was only at 80% certainty that an article was good enough for an audience. No more making them 100% perfect... no more not publishing them because I couldn't get every sentence 100% good.... no more putting things off, because I couldn't get my thoughts 100% worthy.... etc.
Anywhooooom, I said, "Okay, you're on."
In the coming weeks, you will see more activity here and on my Medium blog.
Here is today's 80% effort (also found on the sidebar). This article is one I've been grappling with for a while now. I love having a positive mindset and the positive mindset I have feels like my true self. However, I have these days where my brain screams "THE SKY IS FALLING," and I truly believe that nothing will work out. This isn't me, but on those days, it's the only "me" between my ears.
Then, I read The Chimp Paradox (...okay, listened to it), and the pieces came together. On these days, my inner chimp was taking me for a chump, and defeating my human-brain, defeating my true self. But hey, I survived some horrific crap in my life, as have most of us, in one way or another, so my inner chimp is strong. Your inner chimp may be strong.
My inner chimp is a worthy foe and no wonder she wins every once in a while.
So, I wrote the following and I was finally able to finish it.... somewhat... 80% at least.
Sometimes, the positive mindset fails and our weaknesses are exposed. When it happens to me, I find it devastating, like my entire world is crashing down, seemingly out of the blue. Maybe it’s due to something going on in my environment, maybe it’s due to negative thoughts being suppressed rather than addressed, or maybe the cause is hormonal, but no matter the culprit, it always takes me off guard.
By far, the two most important life lessons I have learned are: to challenge negative thoughts and to keep that positive mindset, no matter what. I’m determined to be an optimist and push myself to accomplish things, with the hope that what I do now will impact the future. Most days I believe, but there are still ones when I don’t.
Even though I want to believe in myself every day, there’s times when I feel absolutely worthless, like I’m being crushed by an invisible, unmovable weight. This is likely rooted in childhood, as it was reinforced by abusers and bullies that self-belief was incorrect. It was hard to break the patterns of negative thinking, as this was my default world-view for over twenty years. It was a nasty companion, one no longer welcome in my world.
However unlikely it was from my upbringing and formative environment, I’ve built a positive, optimistic mind and duel those negative thoughts when they reveal their ugly, little heads. My therapist is adamant I challenge all negative thoughts, but some days, for seemingly no reason, they still seem to win. So much of my life is like a pendulum, as soon as I feel like I’m finally close to what I’m seeking, I drift backwards to where I used to be, everything getting smaller and out of reach, while doom and gloom amplify.
In The Chimp Paradox, Dr. Steve Peters says we all have a self-critical chimp living within our heads. Our chimp is our petulant, emotional inner-child, whose self-worth is tied to surface level concerns, such as the importance of our job, our level of physical attractiveness, and our popularity. When we measure with this aspect of our mind, we see our self-worth grow and shrink, depending on circumstances or whom, specifically, we measure ourselves against. Dr. Peters also points out that our human brain, unlike our chimp brain, shows us who we want to be in life. When we use our human brain to assess our self-worth, we base our esteem on the fundamental ideal that we can only ever do our best.
“The human is likely to say that everyone is equal in value, and that although we possess different skills and abilities, the overall belief is that all are equal as humans. The chimp will say that everyone is at a different level, and some people are better than others, with power, looks, and possessions being very important.” -Dr. Steve Peters in Chapter 16 of The Chimp Paradox
Dr. Peters uses metaphors throughout the book, also mentioning the goblins and gremlins that inhabit our minds, living with our inner chimps, so to speak. Some thoughts, gremlins, can be fought and defeated. Other beliefs, our goblins, tied to our earliest childhood experiences, have to instead be contained.
When I get into that negative mode I can’t shake, in the back of my mind, I’m comparing myself to others or comparing myself to an idealized version of myself. I feel as though there’s always an invisible script running in my head at all times, whispering that I’m not good enough and will never be good enough. On days when the negative mindset takes over, this script is screaming. On these days, my chimp must have an army of goblins and gremlins on the battlefield.
If I were to go back in time, I can clearly see when the chimp, goblins, and gremlins were winning the war.
I was terribly depressed for most of my scholastic career. There were pockets of light, when I would get a good grade on an assignment or get the highest grade in a class. These were undercut by my family not taking notice nor congratulating my success. To compound this, the abuse at home was a dirty secret that my small family kept well hidden. In school, there were dark times, when I felt like I had no friends. I had a huge burden to carry, and it seemed like no one would ever care.
In high school, I knew these mean girls who looked down on others for acting exactly as they did. With a snotty tone, one of the girls said to me, “you’re not special, just like everyone else,” and the other girl laughed. Soon, they sauntered away. These girls each went home to large houses, with two parents that loved them, who paid for their dance classes, and treated them like they were human. They could giggle all they wanted about no one being special, but their hypocrisy was as plain as day. These teens believed to the core that they were ever-so-special themselves.
As teenagers, our chimps were in control. Our minds hadn’t yet developed fully, nor could we see ourselves or others from the human mind.
I think it’s crucial we forgive ourselves when the negative mindset, or the inner chimp, takes over from time to time. Just because we may be caught in the negative frame of mind on certain days, we should never let ourselves completely off the hook from challenging our thoughts or working to strengthen our positive mindset. It’s good to reflect on these goblins and gremlins, to address their origins, and to prepare for the counterstrike, even if we can’t manage it until the next day or so.
I'm writing more of my posts to be both appropriate for this portfolio and for Medium.com (and hopefully future publication), and in doing so, I've added another layer to the stories, most of those layers being on what I learned or gained from the experience. I hope this helps readers get a better sense of why I share what I share. Some stories are just funny stories, other ones have lessons hidden within them, ones I may have personally missed, if I hadn't gone back and examined the events further to share with you all here.
In essence, this addition hasn't only been to the benefit of the reader, but also to the writer as well. If I can frame everything in the manner of what I learned from the experience, perhaps I can stop making the same stupid mistakes, and my insights will be valuable to readers beyond surface level.
If you have any ideas on what could improve the delivery of these messages, I would be happy to see you in the comment section.
Showers for Vagabond
Orchid in my carport, photo available in my stock album on Pexels
It
was a sunny day in May. Florida was hot. Humid air drifted in from the
Gulf of Mexico and swept over the city. My carport was alive with
orchids, succulents, and seedlings. I bounced from plant to plant with
my elastic hose, wearing gray headphones and listening to a crime drama.
I was blithely unaware of the world behind me, until I heard someone shout from beyond my headphones, but I ignored it.
Finally, louder, I heard “HEY!” and turned around.
Before
me, near the entrance of the carport, was an older gentleman in a
long-sleeved denim shirt, dark blue shorts, and black boots capped with
white tube socks. He wasn’t too tall or very built. His knotted gray
hair was kept back by a ball cap. His stance was normal, although he
held one fist to the side of his leg. An aroma of mold, whiskey, and
body odor, wafted my direction.
“Excuse me?” I asked, removing the headphones and holding them at my side.
With my acknowledgement bestowed upon him, he leaned into his query like a magician, tipping from front to back on his toes.
“Are you the one with the bike, going vroom, vroom, vroom, at 3 a.m. last night?”
“I don’t have a bike.”
“Or a scooter, then?”
“I
don’t have a scooter,” I answered back, the annoyance growing in my
voice. I kept my thumb on the trigger of the hose and looked at him
bewildered. I took a few more steps in his direction, as I couldn’t
quite hear what he was saying in his normal speaking voice.
“What about your neighbor?”
Frustration abounded, he wasn’t listening to my responses, and was acting weird. It felt like it was time for him to go.
I
activated my crazy eyes, hunched forward, and with deliberate
over-annunciation replied, “Neither of us have a bike, motorcycle, or
scooter.” I waggled my hand back and forth to indicate both my neighbor
and myself, as well as accentuate the meaning of the words.
Subconsciously, I was probably trying to sweep him away and back to the
sidewalk.
I don’t hate homeless
people. I had some homeless friends when I was in my early 20’s. With no
family or wealth-connections, I found myself between rentals, and more
than once, lived out of a car while I worked to get back on my feet. I
also have a history of working multiple jobs and acquiring bad roommates
who don’t pay bills. I know what it’s like to be down and out; I know
what it’s like to be a nobody.
As
Robert W. Fuller says in Somebodies and Nobodies: Overcoming the Abuse
of Rank, “nobodies are not an easily identifiable group… But there’s one
important thing they all have in common: the experience of being
dominated, degraded, exploited, or insulted by people with greater power
than their own.” (link)
I
wasn’t about to give this man power over me, nor was I going to let him
act like I was some privileged brat with a scooter keeping my neighbors
up at night.
He looked almost
stunned when I bluntly informed him that he was mistaken. However, a
frown crossed his face for only a second, and he responded, “I was going
to tell you to take it to the shop up on the corner — ”
“But we don’t have any so, thank you.”
“You,” I added, holding my hand up, “need to get off my property.”
“What’s wrong with you, girl?!” he shouted in defense.
My front door whipped open after that.
“What’s all this yelling?” my then-husband shouted at me and the bum.
“Yeah! That’s what I said!” the bum yelled, back towards my direction.
“Why are you yelling?!” my husband yelled at both of us.
What the heck? I thought to myself. For a brief moment, it felt like the two of them were ganging up on me.
“No, I’m talking to you! You gotta go!” he barked at the homeless man.
The stranger threw down whatever it was he was holding and partially turned away. His words jumbled into a knot of anger.
Physical
intimidation isn’t something that comes naturally to women, so I like
to think he was surprised when I arched my back and held my arms out in
the classic, “come at me, bro” stance.
“What?” I asked, approaching him, “You gonna go?”
He called me the b-word and a few other fun names.
I slung my hands back again, and asked, “What did you call me?”
He made a little mocking gesture, threw his hands on his knees, stuck his butt out, and said “I’m so scared!”
Before he could finish his sentence, I unleashed the hose directly at his face.
He
walked across the yard after that, but called me the b-word again, so I
turned and gave him a second shower until he was out of range.
If
anyone is wondering, my neighbor thought it was hilarious, the video
footage is hysterical, and what dropped out of his hand was half of a
plastic doll and a clump of Spanish moss.
Even
though it ended up a somewhat funny situation, I shouldn’t have been so
heated when he called me names nor as frustrated when he kept pressing
the issue of a scooter or motorcycle. If I had to do it over again, I
would have set the emotional tone early, and asked him to leave me
alone, in a calm and kind way. If he still ended up yelling, I wouldn’t
have yelled back. Also, in my new version of events, I wouldn’t have
anyone else yelling at this man either. Don’t get me wrong, he was rude
and a jerk, but I could have acted better.
More
than anything, I hate getting yelled at. When it happens, my heart
races, my limbs shake, I sweat, and my brain short-circuits worse than
usual.
Maybe, in this situation, I was the one who needed the spray down instead.
