This is clearly the most serious thing I've ever written... 👻
Grimsbu, My Nemesis
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| Even in photos, evil exudes from this monstrosity. |
Grimsbu became my Grendel. Made of plastic-coated metal, teased affordability at seventy bucks
American, and pretended to be out of stock, it captured my every whim. Yes, Grimsbu lured me. Promises of
a bed off the floor, dreams in the clouds, or maybe the ceiling fans, escaped my caprices, fancy free, like silk in the breeze. Grimsbu was incredulous, yet demonic.
Hark! I captured the box, long as a lance, heavy as a man, as whispers of the fates danced around the Ikea, land of laminated cardboard, plastic, and disillusion. With effort, I dragged the captured creature to hardwood floors and began the assembly feast.
The ancient scrolls were madness. Drawn by a blind drunk, they showed nothing but confusion and envious, placid puzzles. Holes in the frame were twisted and flipped, triangles switched sides, and upside-down became upright. Many Allen wrenches fell, discarded screwnuts became unlikely casualties, yet Grimsbu lay finally complete, assembled, and chained in solid, singular form at last.
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| Omg, these directions... |
With mighty force, bed Goliath gently levitated onto Grimsbu. At last! Long last! Storage capacity appeared beneath the leviathan of memory foam and fuzz.
It was a short victory, so small it lasted backwards. Mighty Chihuahua, Geno, took his post upon Grimsbu’s freshly raised mattress. No! Grimsbu struck! In an instant, the monstrosity threw the little dog to the heavy, hard tree guts below.
The wrath and war followed. Grimsbu was exiled. The mighty Chihuahua’s life and liberty were worth more than Grimsbu’s weight in gold, his storage convenience, or the years it took to assemble him to his true form.
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| The exile (donated to Goodwill) |
Grimsbu, my true nemesis, you are a reminder of the peril and darkness that lies within us all.
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| Only images of the ancient texts remain |
If you would like to purchase this monstrosity and endure the hellscape of putting it together, please: https://www.ikea.com/us/en/p/grimsbu-bed-frame-gray-luroey-s39437802/.
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